How to have the no gifts conversation

It’s not as difficult as you’d expect. The trick is to offer an alternative.

This was published in Forbes two years ago but the information is still useful.

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My brother and I decided we weren’t going to buy Christmas presents for each other. Instead, we decided we’d rather focus on different goals – saving to buy a house and growing a new business.

This year, while we’ve accomplished the first steps of our goals – he bought a house and I started my business – we’re still deciding whether to get gifts for each other this year. The only family member who gets a pass is my niece (and now my nephew ~ Renée) who will get lots of gifts from both sides of the family as she’s the only child.

For us at the time, it was a simple conversation and it wasn’t awkward because we both had already individually come to the same conclusion. However, it’s not the easiest conversation to have with other family members or even friends. So if you’ve decided not to go the gift route this year, how do you break the news to your family and friends? Psychologist Dr. Michal Regev suggests that before you have the discussion with friends and family, you have the discussion with yourself. She says, “Is it coming from a ‘poor me’ perspective or is it coming from a different perspective? Before opening up the discussion with others, you need to clarify how you feel about not giving gifts.”

Instead of coming from the angle of not being able to afford gifts, Regev suggests approaching the decision positively. “Change in life can be taken as a crisis or an opportunity,” she says. “Tell yourself that this is an opportunity to do something different.”

However, Regev does point out that not buying gifts and not doing anything in its place doesn’t work. “People need to do something. You need that alternative gesture. Have an open discussion and find out another way to show your care and love.” For example, a patient of hers who was a single mother had moved five years ago and couldn’t afford gifts. Instead, she went and volunteered at a soup kitchen. She got certificates from the soup kitchen saying she had volunteered for her family. The family was so touched it has become an annual tradition.

Regev isn’t suggesting you volunteer at a soup kitchen, but she does suggest that you consider alternative gifts that don’t cost money. She says, “Do a beautiful card where you tell them how much they mean to you. Go over a day early and ask what they need help with. You should do something else that’s meaningful.”

This year my friends and I all agreed again that we wouldn’t exchange gifts. Instead, we’re at each other’s home to help decorate the tree, eat and be merry.